Money, Money, Money

Its a love/hate relationship. I love to have money, I love to spend money, I hate doing the budget and balancing the checking account to our Quicken records. Now I don't hate the math, I don't hate the time it takes, I hate how incredible inept and stupid I feel as I do it and see how badly I have blown it yet again this month.

With hubby being on a deploying boat we sat down and talked it through. We decided that I should take over out finances and budgeting since he would be gone alot. 6 months ago he carefully explained it all. When the money comes in, what bills are due when, what needs to go into savings, the whole 9 yards. We spent hours going over the budget spread sheet deciphering the columns and doing the math. It was a painfully agonizing experience, and humbling as well.

I am a fairly intelligent person, I can manage a household of 5, 3 different school schedules, a dog. I can plan cross country moves that go so smoothly no one knows how much work they really take. I am capable of, on short notice, planning and directing large group activities for small children and grown ups alike. I can keep a house clean, laundry done, and homework finished on schedule. So why can't I do the budget?

Why has it every single month, for the past 6 months, been a complete and utter failure? Why does it hurt me every time I fail at it? I actually want to cry and it doesn't matter what else I have accomplished and done well that month because this one thing was a complete fail. I feel beat down and fairly worthless because I cannot be the helpmate my husband needs on this one stupid thing.

I feel as I am a disappointment to him, and to us, when I fail at this. It matters so much to him to keep our checking account balanced and to build our savings and I have let him down each and every time. The worst part is, I don't know why I can't seem to do this. And it breaks my heart cause I so desperately want to do this well.

If you don't laugh, you'll cry. And for once, I can't seem to laugh